Thanksgiving...?!

Thanksgiving Day is a harvest festival celebrated primarily in the United States and Canada. Traditionally, it has been a time to give thanks for a bountiful harvest. While it may have been religious in origin, Thanksgiving is now primarily identified as a secular holiday. It is sometimes casually referred to as Turkey Day. In Canada, Thanksgiving Day is celebrated on the second Monday in October, which is Columbus Day in the United States. In the United States, it falls on the fourth Thursday of November...

 

This was today! And I wished my American friends to have a happy one. And I read many posts in blogs, facebook and twitter, on how grateful we have to be and how thankful to be alive, breath, have a house, food, friends, etc etc. I respect all these, really... But I'm sorry, I can't do that. I cannot be thankful to be alive or to breath; this is existence by default. If I wasn't alive I wouldn't know, so how cares? I cannot be thankful to have a house!...I was never homeless, so it feels silly. I cannot be thankful for anything anymore, because the most important thing to be thankful for, was taken away from me: Health!!

How the hell can I be grateful for not being able to walk anymore, talk, do simple everyday things, have a normal life damn it?? My dreams have all been destroyed and shattered... Ok, being optimistic I'll say "suspended". But still, being thankful??? Why? Other people have it all, what I used to have and much more, and they don't appreciate a thing! Why should I be thankful going through all this crap, day after day after day? I can't always look at how some people are worse than me, I'm thinking about myself and how I was. Sorry! Just 3 years ago I was happy. I was getting ready for a great life making great plans; a new exciting business, a marriage, having children with Italian names... And now I have to be thankful I can walk with a "walker"?? Sorry again! This is definitely not a whiny or a feel-sorry-for-me post, I hope it doesn't come out as such. This is an angry post, a very angry one! Angry on how unfair life is... Angry for all the suffering and pain in people... Angry on how some don't appreciate being healthy, functional,"normal"... Angry on those (including myself in the past) who underestimate the little things someone can enjoy, as long as he/she is healthy.

I know some might disagree, your comments are ALWAYS welcome and valued... I hope I didn't offend anyone. I also hope next Thanksgiving to have a better attitude and find reasons to be thankful.

(Hope hope hope...I'm starting to hate this word). 

No Use in Crying - Resolution

Sunday -very late- night again! Another weekend is over, a new week ahead tomorrow, etc etc... I had a rather good weekend. One of my all time best friends came to visit me yesterday. We talked about everything and everyone and laughed very much, as we always do. He is hilarious. I love him. I'm so sorry I cannot have all of my friends over here; I know some wanted to come with him to see me yesterday and I told him to come alone...I get easily tired, I can't stand too much noise, so I prefer to see people in groups of 1 or 2 maximum :) I promise though, when I get better, to have a huge party for all my friends...old, new, fb & twitter buddies, everyone who is "here" for me and makes me happy!! I don't know how I would get through this, without all of you. Thank you!

The point of this post however was not that. I got carried away as usual. What I wanted to say is that lately, every Sunday night I make resolutions! You know, like New Year's resolutions but on a weekly basis. Of COURSE I don't keep them, at least I try. Ok, last week I didn't ride my static/exercise-bike everyday like I promised last Sunday night! Yea I know, I HAVE to...! I will!

Instead I cried quite a lot. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a Cry-Baby. However, having Lyme has made me even more emotional (oh yes, it is in the symptoms list too) and I don't like it. I hate it. After all, it doesn't change things, it doesn't make them better, it is depressing and makes me look ugly and wrinkly...No use at all!

So starting tomorrow, no more crying!... (yeah right!! :))




 

Infusion day 33 / Update

I noticed today that I haven't updated you for a while. Time passes me by so fast I can't believe it... Friends, people I know, children I see...Everything "moves"! Others grow up, others grow old, others join the army, or get married, or change jobs, or change houses, or make relationships, or break them up, or have children, or travel, or...The list can go on and on. The point is I feel so stuck with this illness thing. I AM stuck in fact. I have no choice though. I have to wait...Wait for whatever is meant to come for me! I prefer to wait for my healing whatsoever :)

Today way the 33rd day of Rocephin IV. During this past month of IV treatment I had my ups and downs. Some days were kinda fun, I didn't even feel the infusion, just chatting and laughing with my nurse during the whole half hour of infusing. Here I have to note how lucky I am regarding my nurse. He is so much fun to talk with, he is 28 years old, always smiling, but at the same time so efficient and professional. Some days I had a weird feeling while infusing, like chest-pressure and some light pain in my heart. Not fun! However, he knew how to handle it and I felt comforted and safe. He also changes the dressing of my PICC line every other day, so it stays in clean and problem-free for as long as needed. I still REFUSE to look at my PICC without the dressing (meaning: look at a tube sticking out of MY arm!). One and only time I did, I turned yellow and almost fainted!! Yiannis the nurse, laughs at me when I'm scared...He is right!

I had some blood tests yesterday, just to check things out after a whole month of pumping antibiotics in me. Everything ok, so we continue as planned. It seems I'll have one more month of Rocephin and then switch probably to Levaquin. By then I should start having some first small improvements. We'll see. For now, I haven't seen any good changes. On the contrary, I feel more exhausted, sleepy, stiff, weak and off-balance. Doc says it is normal and that I'll get worse before I get better...Let's hope so!

After all, I can't stop trying and hoping. Can I?












 

My Own Pity Party!

These past few days I've been feeling very very bad. I have a cold I guess, so my nose is "running" like crazy (being totally stuffed at the same time), my throat is sore, my head feels like 100kg, my eyes are itching and of course I have a fever too, fortunately not very high. Normally I would not nag for a cold, but in addition to my whole situation, it is really unbearable!

Yesterday was the worse day. I could barely eat or talk. As you already know I have a major speech/voice problem, so not being able to breath properly because of the cold, blocked my speech even more. Therefore, it was definitely a perfect day for a "pity-party"!! You don't know what a "pity-party" is?...lol: A way of experiencing grief, in which you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself and whining endlessly about how crappy your life is. So yes, yesterday was a whole day pity partayyy for me, whoo hoo, yay pure Fun:)

Well, for a successful P.P. like mine, you need to use the following 3 Ws: The WHY, the WISH and the WANT. How to use them? It's so simple...Read and learn:

WHY - Why me? Why did this had to happen? Why now? Why me?(not wrong, you just repeat this one, it's a party animal) Why all this suffering? Why did my life had to be destroyed? Why did he leave me? Why didn't I do this 'n that when I could? Why do I look like that? Why me? (again!)...
WISH - I wish I was dead / Ι wish this was a nightmare and / I wish I would wake up healthy and strong / I wish this ends tomorrow / I wish I could forgive / I wish I could walk a block / I wish I could sing... Hmmm, the WISHs kinda overlap with the WANTs, so I continue:
WANT - I want to scream / I want to run on the beach / I want to walk my dog / I want to have a job and feel useful / I want to meet a real man to love me and stand by me / I want to go out for drinks with my friends / I want to cook for my parents / I want to go shopping with my niece / I want to go for a bike-ride with my older nephew / I want to hold up my baby-nephew / I want to swim / I want to travel / I want to be independent / I want to drive a car / I want to dress up without assistance / I want to be happy / I want to have a life...! 

Today I was a little better, so my precious P.P. ended. Not that I don't have the above thoughts anymore, but I try to be positive and add one more W in my mind...the "WILL".

You know, just replace the I WANT with I WILL and there you go...the perfect Pity Party Crasher is born ;)

Image from: http://www.fartparty.org/2008/04/22/pity-party/